It must be...

that time of season. I generally get really pensive around Thanksgiving and Christmas. And this year it's been a more deep and profound kind of thinking. Yesterday Ryan had a scope done on his upper body. Nothing to report. He's fine. Just too much acid in his stomach. On our way home from the hospital we stopped by RedBox and got a couple of movies to watch while he recovered.

I must have needed to watch this particular movie without any distractions because Ryan fell asleep once we got home, Jace took a 2 1/2 hour nap on the living room floor (which was a shock because he doesn't take naps anymore let alone on the FLOOR) and Kayson took a long nap as well. I had 2 hours to devote my listening ear to the following movie:


I don't know what happened inside of me. Something clicked and I feel.... so....

balanced.

happy.

calm.

If you've been to my blog before you'll have noticed my quotes on the top right hand side. Well, I changed them. To me they seem to stick out with lessons I've learned this year. Lessons I don't want to forget. Because for the first time in my life, I feel like I could live as the person I am today... for the rest of it.

One quote from the movie I loved was:

"God lives in me as me".

I understood what Liz (the main character) was talking about when she said that, so then something else hit me. Why am I so stressed??? Why do I feel like I'm enduring life??? I'm always worried that I'm not smart enough. Not skinny enough. Not happy enough. Not organized enough. Not spiritual enough. And you know what I found???

I'M NOT!!!!

and I'm done stressing over it: a perfectly clean house, up and ready to go before the kids wake up, what to eat or not eat, what to enjoy or not enjoy. I'm not saying if you came over to my house it would look like a tornado hit it, or that I'll be stuffing my face with ice cream 24/7, but you will see toys on the floor and a batch of laundry waiting to be taken upstairs (I will never have stairs in my house again EVER), maybe even some dishes in the sink from breakfast. I will have the boys dressed, the kitchen will be tidy, and my bed will be made...(maybe).

I don't know where that pressure came from. Maybe because I see it everywhere I go and wonder why I'm not like that. But I feel like if God is going to live in me as me, then I want Him to feel the same way I do.

balanced.

happy.

calm.

I've got a long road ahead still and I do want to be better at organizing and getting ready before 10:00 am. But I feel like I can take my time and enjoy the learning process. Everyone is a teacher, everyone is a clue on how to do that.

My journey has begun.